His Secret Obsession Review - Women Relationship Advice. Women Relationship Tips
His Secret Obsession Review - Women Relationship Advice. Women Relationship Tips
The Relationship Advice I Wish I’d Gotten
Of all the advice I ever got about relationships, it’s what people didn’t tell me that would have helped the most.
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I spent years struggling in relationships. I was surrounded by people in successful, happy relationships. Yet my own were often filled with turmoil. I couldn’t figure out why.
It wasn’t until I sat down one day and honestly assessed my past relationships that I finally figured out what the problems were. I realized that for all the good advice others had given me over the years, there were a few nuggets of wisdom it never occurred to them to share.
“That’s the one thing you never do”
she said I dated a woman for about five months before I moved away from my hometown at 26 years old to begin my P.h.D.
As a country girl, she was very different from me, which I loved.
She was relaxed, easy going, and laid back; I was uptight, anxious, and worried about the future.
Whenever I’d make the hour-long trek to her house to spend the weekend with her, a soothing sensation of calm would wash over me as I felt ever more at peace the closer I got to her house.
Spending time with her never felt like a chore or an obligation; I wasn’t ever concerned about the specifics of what we’d do together. I just wanted to be close to her.
Being around her felt like being transported out of my normal life and placed into a different reality where everything seemed less hectic, less rushed, and less overwhelming.
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It’s hard to explain, but I felt like I could just be whenever I was with her.
Simple outings, like going for breakfast, took on more meaning than they normally did, as did everyday things like spending time outside listening to the wind.
I remember driving in the car with her at dusk one evening: sitting in the passenger’s seat, I kept reflecting on how grateful I was to be seeing the trees pass me by, enjoying the late evening rain, and looking forward to the dinner we were about to make together.
Still, dating her was quite painful at times because we both knew I’d be moving away at the end of the summer.
I chose to ignore that reality for as long as possible, basking in our relationship as if things wouldn’t ever change.
We broke up about a month before I was set to leave.
I was heartbroken, but I didn’t hold any ill will towards her because, truly, she hadn’t done a single spiteful or unkind thing towards me the entire time we had dated.
One night before things had come to an end, we got into a nasty argument — over what, exactly, I couldn’t tell you. What I do remember, however, is the simple yet powerful advice she gave me after the fight was over.
Seven years later, I still find myself thinking about what she said to me that night.
“Just Don’t Ever Leave”
At one point during our fight, I threatened to leave — to pack up my stuff, turn my back on her, and drive home in the middle of the night.
It was spiteful of me — little more than a selfish and childish attempt to hurt her.
I didn’t end up leaving. We talked things over, made up, and went to sleep.
Before going to bed, however, she said to me,
“just don’t ever leave.”
There was a noticeable sternness to her voice; her tone was less vulnerable than it was prescriptive.
She didn’t mean “don’t ever leave”, as in, “please don’t abandon us. I need you. I love you”. Instead, she was issuing a warning to me, something she wanted me to remember from that day forward. What she meant was this:
“Don’t ever walk out on your girlfriend in the middle of a fight. That’s the worst thing you can do. It’s never the right choice.”
The next morning we woke up in each other’s arms, but I could tell that my actions had hurt her and that things between us weren’t okay.
A little later that day she said to me,
“if you had left last night, I don’t know if I would have chased after you.”
Even now, all these years later, I feel a weird mix of emotions — fear, uncertainty, confusion, betrayal, shame — whenever I reflect on the meaning and implications of that statement.
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Not only had she called my bluff, but she had also admitted that our relationship wasn’t important enough to her to fight for it. Scratch that — that’s my ego talking.
What she was telling me was that she wasn’t willing to chase after a man who was prepared to walk out on her whenever things became ‘too’ difficult. I couldn’t fault her for that, and I knew it.
Advice Well Taken
A few years ago, I got into an argument with the woman I was dating at the time.
We had been fighting on and off for months, and things were taking a turn for the worst.
I was at my wits’ end with the situation.
Having lost all patience and feeling frustrated, I walked out on my partner.
It was wrong of me.
But I forced myself to go back.
The words “Don’t ever leave” were ringing loudly in my head, and I knew I had no choice but to set aside my pettiness and to do the right thing by working through — not giving up on — our problems.
After driving up the street and calming myself down, I swallowed my pride and texted my girlfriend, “if I come back to your house, are you willing to talk things out?”
I was asking for her permission to return, as I didn’t want to force myself back into the situation if she didn’t want to see me.
“Yes” she said.
I drove back to her place.
When I arrived, it was evident she had been crying her eyes out.
We apologized to each other.
We then spent the next hour laying all of our cards out on the table, finally saying the things that needed to be said. We forgave each other and then came up with a plan to improve our relationship going forward.
A year or so later, we broke up for good; there’s no doubt it was the right decision for both of us.
That day, though, when I forced myself to go back to her house, to not repeat the mistakes of my past, and to act like the mature adult my partner deserved, I did it because of the warning my previous girlfriend had given me years earlier.
The Takeaway
I’m not sure whether there’s a clear lesson to be learned from this story.
Love is messy, complicated, and ‘thorny’; trying to unpack it and neatly sort it out is perhaps a Sisyphean endeavor.
Still, this is a story I felt I needed to share — maybe as a reminder to myself of my own faults and of the appreciation I should continue to feel for the women who have taught me how to be a better partner.
My dating experience over the past 15 years leads me to believe we don’t always get the chance to apply the lessons we learn to the people who teach them to us in the first place.
This is the price we sometimes have to pay in order to recognize our own shortcomings and become the type of people we know we should be.
We often make empty threats in relationships as a way to trick others into confirming that they need us. Deep down, we’re scared that a fight with a boyfriend or girlfriend is but a sign that things are coming to an end.
In those situations, it’s better to make yourself vulnerable by openly expressing your fears than it is to portray a fake bravado.
I recognize the irony in suggesting this considering the story I’ve just told you.
More than anything, this is a warning to myself — a reminder to be more mature and patient and less vindictive and selfish.
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